The Invisible (Single) Man
Stop a married couple anywhere and ask if they have any single female friends. You can count on the female to immediately respond: “Yes! My friend is single, she’s amazing!” and begin to gush about her friend’s many positive qualities.
Stop a married couple anywhere and ask if they have any male single friends. The usual reaction is a frown as they try to think of someone. I get a lot of raised eyebrows, upward glances, and lip-biting as the couple considers their network of friends and family. Then the man will shrug and say: “All my friends are married.”
But the next time I’m at their home for an event, or see a photo posted on social media, I’ll see that one awkward guy at the edge of the group. Not awkward in the sense that he’s socially awkward or unattractive. But awkward because he is, in fact, the only single man in the gathering. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pointed (discreetly) at a person, or at a photo, and said, “What about that guy? Is he single?” The couple peers over and then comes the inevitable reply: “Oh yeah!! I forgot about him! Yeah, he’s single.”
This conversation happens like clockwork, with almost every married couple I encounter. The sad truth is no surprise to singles, but it’s surprising to many of us who are married: we tend to forget our single friends exist. Our worlds revolve so naturally around couples, and being part of a couple. We don’t need phone calls and one-on-one meals to catch up, vent, and touch base. We do because we want to, yes. But we don’t need to. That’s what our romantic partner is for.
After my husband and I became parents, we stopped celebrating our friends’ birthdays. We gather to celebrate our children’s birthdays instead. It takes an effort to maintain friendships with our single friends, because we can’t roll it up into family time. They don’t have children to play with our children while the adults talk, they don’t have toys and games and jungle gyms in their backyards. With the demands of work and extended family obligations, it becomes harder and harder to keep up with our oldest friends.
The inevitable drifting apart between friends, both male and female, is one of those painful parts of growing up. I vote that it’s more painful for those who are left behind. For those who are getting married, the loss is quickly replaced with parent friends from children’s playgroups, schools, and ever growing activities. Whereas for singles, the pool of friends is constantly shrinking as people move away. For the many single adults who choose to move, in hopes that a change of scenery will bring fresh possibilities, life becomes a repetition of finding new places and people to replace everything you left behind. Like repeating a grade instead of graduating to the next one.
During this holiday season, as you make plans with friends, run into old acquaintances, and spend quality time with family, please keep an eye out for the Invisible Man in your life. Of course, there are confirmed bachelors who are happy to spend their non-work time and money on video games, toys, and self-indulgence. We all have that one friend or relative. But it is my firm, fervent belief that there are many bachelors out here today who are meant to be more. They are meant to be husbands and fathers, not just uncles. Just as their future wives are meant to be wives and mothers, not just aunties who can be counted on at work and church to give selflessly of themselves, but never experience the joys of receiving.
Please drop my name (Helen Asuncion). Send them my number (626-879-7070). Ask them if you can share their number with me (They might hesitate to call me, but I’ll definitely call them). Link them my website (www.GoodHeartsMeet.com). Tag them on my Instagram (@MatchedbyHelen). Encourage them to reach out. You never know when a seed planted will unfurl and grow into a sturdy plant. :)
My prayer for you is that you will be toasting your friends at their weddings by this time next year. And that they will be toasting you right back, thanking you for being that friend who reached across boundaries to encourage them one more time. Marriage is an incredible, miraculous, mind-blowing growth experience. Your friends deserve it too.
